Thanks again to Shannon for this great topic idea. I know there are tons of you out there in this position or who will soon be there so I hope it will be helpful to read how other people have handled having a new baby in the house.
Sarah and Ephraim are 25 months apart so she had just turned two when he was born. During my pregnancy we moved across country, moved into a rental house and then our "real" house, and also transitioned her to a big girl bed somewhere in there. There was a lot of change for her in a short period of time. Sarah has always handled change pretty well so I was fairly certain the addition of her little brother would be a rather smooth one.
Here are some things that helped us along the way...
1. Books. Because reading was already such a big part of our routine it was natural to gather several books about being a big sister. It's naptime so I can't gather titles from Sarah's room but search Amazon or peruse your favorite book store and you're sure to find many fabulous titles.
2. Sarah attended most of my appointments with me out of necessity. It ended up being a good thing though because it gave us a chance to talk about the baby, the doctor, and the process of being pregnant.
3. Ephraim's nursery was set up a month or so in advance of his birth. Before we arrived we could often go in there and play and talk about what it would be like when he was born. Sarah would help me sort his clothes, gather baby items, and she had a ball playing with the baby powder. All of these things got her used to his room and the new environment.
4. Because I was induced we were really able to prepare Sarah for the exact time the new baby would arrive. My mom came the day before and we were able to put Sarah to bed that night before we headed to the hospital. She knew exactly what would happen and when she would get to see us again which was really helpful.
5. We scheduled Sarah for a siblings class at the hospital but when we arrived they told us she was really too young to get anything out of it (which I wish they would have told me on the phone when I asked 37 times!). The staff was so kind though and when I asked at the nurse's station if we could just peek in the nursery and see some of the babies they gave Sarah a tour of the whole labor and delivery unit! They even gave her a popsicle as we walked around. If your hospital is willing I would suggest trying to do something like that ahead of time so your little one knows exactly where you're going to be and what the place looks like. It makes the hospital a little less scary since it's not an unknown anymore.
6. Once Ephraim arrived we didn't have any elaborate plans for the siblings' first meeting but I knew I wanted it to be as soon as possible. Ephraim was born at 5:45p.m. and Sarah came up to meet him the very next morning. I made sure I was dressed and half-way presentable so Sarah wouldn't be freaked out by my appearance. (by the way, I wish I had known at my first delivery that it's perfectly acceptable to bring your own clothes to the hospital. I was SO much more comfortable once I ditched the hospital gear and pulled on some jammie pants instead. Definitely check with your hospital to see if that's an option for you.) We let Sarah take the lead on how close she wanted to get to Ephraim but we made it clear that she could hold him and love on him if she wanted to. I really wanted to make sure that her first interaction with him was at her level of comfort rather than my expectation of a "perfect" moment. As it happened, Sarah was really interested in him and wanted to hold him right away. She was pretty quiet but that was okay. Right before they left that morning she got a little wild and scratched him on his face which was pretty upsetting because I didn't really know how to react. I wanted to discipline her about it but I also realized that it was a pretty tumultuous time for her. I definitely went easy on her...although when she continued to do it at home things got a little more strict.
7. Scratching was the only issue we've ever had with Sarah being aggressive toward Ephraim. During the first three weeks she probably did it 5 or 6 times and each time we sent her to her room and told her that she couldn't be where Ephraim was if she was going to hurt him. I'm not sure if it was a jealousy thing or just an experimental, "what will happen if I..." type thing. Thankfully she got over it really quickly and has been super gentle (99% of the time) since then.
8. Sarah never seemed to be overly jealous of my time and affection toward Ephraim but that may have more to do with her personality than with anything I did. She's never been a really cuddly kid so he wasn't really infringing on her space when he was hanging out with me. I was a little concerned with how nursing was going to go though. She would definitely test me when I was nursing him because she realized pretty quickly that I couldn't get up and make her do what I asking her to do when I was feeding him. After a few episodes of spending the entire feeding in her room (which at that time was like 30-45 minutes) she stopped testing me. I also think it helped to have a small little rocking chair near me where she could sit and we would read stories together. Or sometimes I would pull toys out ahead of time that I knew she would like to play with while I nursed.
9. I know a lot of experts tell you not to refer to the new baby as "our baby" but I did and still do. "They" liken it to your husband bringing home a new wife and announcing that she's "our wife" and expecting you to instantly love her. I'm not sure I buy that but I can kind of at least see where "they're" coming from. Instead of pushing Ephraim onto Sarah I tried to just engage her in what he was doing and talk to her as I was caring for him. That often sounded like this: "Look Sarah! He's smiling!" or "Let's see what happens if we tickle him" or "What toy do you think he'd like to play with now?". She also really liked to mimic what I was doing with Ephraim with her dolls. So sometimes if we were playing on the floor she would do the same thing with her baby and then we'd switch so that she was playing with Ephraim and I was playing with her baby. Rather than me spending time with Ephraim while Sarah hung out doing something else it was Sarah and me spending time together while we both played with Ephraim. It seemed to work best for us that way.
As the months have passed it's been really fun to watch their relationship grow. Sarah seems to really revel in all of Ephraim's new milestones and stages and he, of course, smiles and coos at her like she hung the moon. On our way home from Brent's parents for the 4th this past weekend Brent and I looked in the backseat and caught a peek of Sarah holding Ephraim's hand while he slept. They're pretty attached. I know it may not last long but we're enjoying it while it lasts!
I'll add more if I think of anything else that might be helpful. I hope we'll get some great buddy posts today because I know there's tons more to be said on this topic. I particularly hope Samantha will join in (since she's a big, bad blogger now!). She had a really great plan all mapped out for the first time Caroline met William and I know tons of you would benefit from hearing about it.
Buddy Posters:
Megan (mama of three)
Princess Pigbear and her Buddy-Ro's first meeting...
14 comments:
Since I've already got my post for tomorrow planned, I'll share my 2cents here. One of Steve's co-workers shared this idea: when your older child comes to visit the new baby, send the baby to the nursery so that you have some time to reconnect first. Once the older sibling is comfortable, have him or her go to the nursery with daddy and bring the baby back to you. Don't hold the baby, and don't really talk about it - let the sibling hold the baby, and follow his or her lead on interest. End the visit with a gift exchange. That worked really well for us!
Great topic! We recently had our third baby, and our two oldest are 6 and 3, so they were definitely old enough to grasp that there was a new member of the family on the way. We talked a lot about what it would be like to have a baby in the house, that mommy and daddy wouldn't be able to play all the time when the baby was being fed, and how they could be helpers. With my oldest, when his little brother (our 2nd) was born, we bought a little gift for him that was "from" the baby. He also got to pick out a little gift for the baby. They exchanged gifts in the hospital when he came to visit. We did the same thing this time with the new baby giving gifts to each of our oldest. They were already excited about their baby sister, but having a gift to open made it about them becoming big brothers too. I've also heard about people bringing the older siblings' baby albums to the hospital for them to show to visitors so that they don't feel left out.
All good stuff Erin! I'm not sure I have too much more to offer... I do have 4 kids((9,7,3,5mo) and we haven't had any issues bringing a new one home... everyone did just fine. I'm not too sure what we did to make it works so well... it just kinda happened. Here are a few more things that we did...
When the kids came to meet the new baby at the hospital, I made sure I wasn't holding the new baby. My arms were empty ready for squeezes from the bigger ones. I made sure they knew I was missing them and was glad they were now with me.
I made sure I had "snack packs" and juice boxes and milks down low so if they needed a snack -and I happened to be nursing- they could bring a pack to me and I could open it for them. Really thought ahead... pre made things ahead of time, so the others didn't have to wait. I knew that they'd be HAVING to wait sometimes and I wanted to cut that down as much ass possible.
I'm there with you on the books! I also have a "book box" right by where I'm nursing so if someone needs time with me and I'm nursing we can just snuggle up and read. And the older kids read to me and the baby while I nursed. They like that they are helping the baby be smarter and "teaching" her how to read and love books.
Brady was just under 2 when Mary Rose was born and often times I'd make sure he heard me tell the baby, "Sorry baby, you have to wait... I'm helping Brady now." No, she wasn't crying. He just liked to hear me say that she too had to wait. It worked for Jane too. She's a bit older and sometimes she'll thank Maggie for waiting! It's really sweet.
I really try not to always ask the bigger kids to help. If I have to interrupt a game they know that I REALLY need their help. They want to help and I don't want to ruin that.
If you were to ask any of my kids who's "mommas baby" is they would name themselves. They are all my babies. I'd get so upset when someone would say, "Oh you're not gonna be the baby anymore!" or I actually got really upset when someone told Mary Rose before Jane was born,"You won't be the princess anymore." UM! WHAT??? Right there and then, in front of Mary Rose, I set them straight! OH! I was pregnant and mad!!!
I've always made sure that they all knew that just because a new baby was going to be here they were still my babies. Nobody was replacing them as my baby or princess!
I lucked out because Tyler had been bugging me for a baby for a good couple of years, so he was ready. Every time he heard the shower turn on he'd coming running to get a look at "how big his baby was getting" (ie, my belly). I had a c-section and he came the next day to see Nick in the hospital and was very excited. He was 5 1/2 so he was old enough to not really be jealous and was very helpful and patient. Of course, that all changed once he became a teenager!
I buddy posted. This was a great idea. I figured I had something to offer since we went through it a few times.
I'm getting some great ideas!
So far we read books and talk about Baby Ryan and what she can do as a big sister. We haven't been able to do much in the way of a baby's room and we haven't bought much of anything for him because our house is on the market and we are hoping to move (I know we are crazy! :P). So as far as Baby Ryan being a presence yet, he really isn't other than in conversations and the obvious huge belly in the room!
I really love the idea of a Big Sister/Baby Brother gift. Also the advice of not holding the baby when she comes to see me at the hospital so I can hug her first is great. :) I get teary just thinking of that moment! Uggh...pregnancy hormones.
Here's a question...and it may go unaswered, but thats ok. My scheduled csection is on a day she will be in preschool. Should I send her to school like any other day or make it a special day for her and involve her every step of the way?
Thanks!!
buddy poster at mishpacha!
Great ideas! We can't buddy post yet, but I love getting some ideas for the future :)
Working on a buddy post just now!
We totally had Samantha's brilliant plan in the works until the c-section. The gift exchange sort of happened separate from the initial meeting because Fisher was born in the evening and it was kind of late to do the whole thing, and we figured the meeting part was most important.
Shannon, I have to comment back to you on this one. I sent my girls to preschool the morning my son was born. Only for the fact that it was their normal routine and the csection was only going to be completely done until just before they were going to be able to get to the hospital. It worked for us. My dad was awesome and took them to school and then brought them to the hospital right after. They were excited to see me to tell me about their day as usual and then also to see their new baby brother. They were able to see him in the nursery and then come to see me when I was able to get out of the recovery. It was perfect and they didn't really have to wait then which is tough for little kiddos. I wish you lots of luck!
I am a grandma and my daughter just had her third child. The older two were almost6 and 2 1/2. They had been talking about the baby and had input on her name. My daughter had gifts at the hospital from the new little one for the two older kids. They wanted to know how the gifts got into my daughters tummy. So funny.
We also tell baby Juliet that she will have to wait because LillyAnn needs help right now. I watch both girls two days a week while my daughter is in school so we coordinate all responses and new things concerning the baby. It helps to have both of us uniform in our actions and responses. Both of the older ones help with baby care if they choose. My grandaughter sings to the baby if she is fussy and the baby always stops crying.
All of this sibling stuff is new to me as I only had one child so I love reading all the blogs.
Thank you for your generous sharing and also for the beautiful pictures of your little darlings.
I am a mommy to one (3 1/2 months old), so I have no input or advice, but I thank you guys for sharing because now when the future does come I'll be a little bit more prepared! Thanks!
Some things that really worked for us was Ashley was with me on all my prenatal visits, out of neccesity but she loved hearing the heartbeat and got to hold the doppler and help measure my belly. We talked a lot about the baby and our family and read books as well.
The big one was she was there at the birth with us. Now, I know that's not for everyone but for my husband and I it was very important, we had never left her before with anyone for any length of time. We also knew our child and what she could handle. It was a fast labor and Mark was with her the whole time in the room and I also had my midwife and doula with me. She played and laughed the whole time and was up by the head of the bed.
Having been a labor and delivery RN for 12 years I've seen many, many times where the kids should NOT have been there! Only you know your child but if you have an extra person who can really be focused on the child it is special the have them with you.
I read my daughter lots of books about it and talked about it all. she was only 19 months at the time, so really it just had to happen for her to understand it totally...and i had my babies at home so they didn't have to be away from me. savannah got to meet ava when right when she was born! she has really never been jealous of her, how lucky is that? that only happened now at the age of 8 LOL!
tara
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